Increased calls for tighter boarder protection as genuine fears of Australia being ‘swamped’ by Good Charlotte surface.

Sam Taunton, December 19, Canberra.

Calls are being echoed around the country today for the tightening of border security and a restriction on foreign immigration. The calls, first started by National’s Senator, Barnaby Joyce, have surprisingly been backed by The Greens and both major parties, with the focus around the increasing Australian presence of American punk rock group, ‘Good Charlotte’. Good Charlotte, fronted by brothers Benji and Joel Madden, have resided in Australia for the past 12-months where they have featured as judges on singing television programs, performed nation-wide tours, invaded local bowling clubs’ blowing greens, and struck up sponsorships deals with many public brands – including a prominent chicken restaurant/franchise that advertises heavily on Australian television during the summer sporting season.

Destroying the values this country was built on.

Whist border control is hotly contested issue in federal politics, it is rare for all parties to agree on a consensus regarding the flow of overseas visitors into the country. Whilst some on Twitter and social media have drawn comparisons from Senator Joyce’s remarks to Pauline Hanson’s famous claim of  “we are in danger of being swamped by Asians”, many, if not the majority have supported the notion. Twitter account ‘@aussiepride69’ tweeted: “about time these bloody yanks wif der tats piss off!!!! destroying the aussie way of life!!!!” whilst ‘@tonystoptheboats’ tweeted: “at the rate we’re going, kids won’t be singing the national anthem at schools anymore – they’ll be singing the songs these tattooed clowns produce. Stop the boats! Save Australia!”

Prime Minister, Julia Gillard also threw her full support behind Senator Joyce’s comments, stating “this is a serious issue affecting all hard-working Australia families. For starters, we don’t even know how many Madden brothers are out there; we have to break the cycle before the numbers increase. We can’t have a true Australian game like Lawn Bowls being jeopardized by some tattooed clowns who think swinging around on a chair when they hear someone sing is a talent!”

Opposition leader Tony Abbott maintained his usual political persona and was quoted as saying “I haven’t actually read the report, or heard Mr. Joyce’s comments…also, what’s a ‘Good Charlotte’”?

Former Prime Minister Kevin Rudd also commented on the saga, saying if interested, “he would happily welcome the Madden brother’s support for his campaign in his Queensland seat of Griffith”, whilst also firmly stating that his “full support remains behind the Prime Minister”.

Treasurer Wayne Swan has commented saying he “enjoys the music of Bruce Springsteen”.

Got an opinion about an issue? Tweet @samtaunton to get involved in the conversation!

I imagine this will go straight to Syria

I haven’t written a blog for what seems like an age. Not like an age as in a copy of the Melbourne newspaper, ‘The AGE’, but more like an entire ‘age’ of civilisation. Certain species would have died out in the time period between my last posting and this one.

So, let’s begin with some formalities. Guess who got a university degree during the break!? (We’ll call it a ‘break’ because I like to think of it as a schedule break, similar to the one between school sessions.) If you answered ‘Emma Watson’, you’d be wrong. She deferred from Brown to do a session at Oxford with the plans to return to Brown to complete her degree, however, she was supposed to return mid-way through this year but she never did. Apparently she cited ‘movie roles and promotion’ as the reason, but TMZ claim she’s been the victim of bullying and may NEVER GO BACK!!!

Poor Emma, she’s too good looking to be bullied.

Girls can be so cruel.

Anyway, the correct answer is ME! That’s right; I now have a university degree. I mean, it’s only an arts degree, but still, it’s kind of exciting. Actually, it’s probably more a reflection on the state of tertiary education in this country as opposed to any academic qualities I may posses. It’s put me in an interesting position in regards to future employment though. From what I can tell the only thing I’m qualified to do is have a semi politically-aware Twitter account and be able to refer to the ups and downs of a five-day cricket Test match as a ‘narrative’ instead of a “fuckin’ crazy cricket game!”

Have you been watching the cricket? This latest test match is a bit heartbreaking. Not only is Ponting retiring, but effing South Africa are doing to us what they did to the black population throughout the Apartheid years in their homeland. Actually, that’s a bit harsh; they’re just getting us out and hitting us for lots of runs – not really violating our human rights and oppressing our cultural traditions and heritage, but hey, you’re the one who laughed at the joke, sicko!

Most days I wish I was an Australian cricket player. That way I could have a Twitter account with thousands and thousands of followers, a WAG, and KFC ad.

The KFC ads are the best part of the cricket. I love Cricket Australia’s ability to cast people in the KFC ads that don’t get picked in the team for entire summer. Remember the year Doug Bollinger was cast as the lead in all the ads, yet didn’t get to roll the arm over in a single game?! It was chaos!

He wears a hairpiece.

For those playing at home.

So the main the reason for this blog post is to ask you for a job. That’s right, you. I know you’re harbouring dreams of opening your own business and who would be a better offsider than me?!

Actually don’t answer that. As I typed it I thought of at least 15 people who would be better offsiders than me. Barry Cassidy, host of ‘Offsiders’ would be one. As well as Ryan Gosling, Michael Clarke, the cast of ‘Cheers’ (the actual show not the Irish band, music hipster), Johnny Greenwood from Radiohead, plus the guy that played McNulty in the Wire – he seems like a good dude who would have my back, take me out for a drink, steal my wife, crash my car driving drunk, then buy me a beer and we’d both laugh and forget about it.

So to sum up, if you have any positions that would suit me in your new business venture (and let’s face it, what wouldn’t suit a person with an arts degree in Politics and Media studies…yeah, probably best not to answer that either) holla at me!

Even if you know someone who might give me a job, that would be extremely helpful. I’m looking for something where I can talk lots, drink Diet Coke lots, hang out on social media lots and become very rich and famous. Also, I would like to be able to brag about it at my school reunion.

I’m not idiot though, I understand the job market is tough and competitive and you can’t be too picky, which is why I’ll accept any job that ticks 4 out of 5 boxes.

Thanks guys, you are all the best!

Jehovah’s Witness Joke

My dad is old. Like proper old. I’m not sure how old exactly but at a guess I’d say like 130…maybe 140. To be honest I have no idea, I just know he’s been around the traps.

He is, however, brilliant to have a conversation with. The way he tries to merge the one thought racing through his mind with any kind of topical event is amazing.
The other day I was talking to him about Gay Marriage, and he stopped, looked at me and said, “You know what, I can’t wait for Gay Marriage to be legalised. That way, Alan Jones will finally be happy, and can stop whinging about everything…”

What the fuck is he talking about?

Obviously he knows the whole ‘Alan Jones is gay’ thing, so he’s just thrown that into the whole gay marriage debate. It’s brilliant!

Where’s his spot on QANDA?!

I also think it’s brilliant that Alan Jones is gay. Before Tony Abbott’s sister publicly came out as being involved in a same-sex relationship, I always imagined that Jonsey was the person he was referring to when he would dodge questions about him being homophobic by saying, “I have a number of friends that are gay”. I liked to imagine it was their little secret and they’d secretly give each a ‘knowing wink’ when drinking their shandies at the Rugby Union.

Turns out it was just his sister.

BORING.

I was reading in the paper the other day about global legislation surrounding gay marriage. If you think we have it bad, you should take a trip to Nigeria! In Nigeria, not only do they have the world’s largest amount of phony bank accounts, but it’s ILLEGAL to be in a same-sex male relationship, yet girl-on-girl action is ALLOWED!

WHAT’S THAT ABOUT?

Clearly the governing body in Nigeria are taking policy advice from ZOO Magazine. Either that or they’ve given the responsibility to a 13-year-old boy going through puberty.

Anyway, I’ve started a crappy podcast with my mate Mitch. What’s that? What’s a podcast?

It’s only the most cutting edge form of new media available! I can’t believe you haven’t heard of it. How do you spend you time on the Internet? You’re such a jerk, you big jerk face.
So basically the podcast is just us talking rubbish. For instance in the last episode we talked about the preferred ethnicity of our hypothetical child.

Wanking also gets a run.

Also, my favourite podcast ‘TOFOP’ has just ended which means there’s a gaping hole in the podcast market and we could be the ones to fill it! It would be the first time I’ve ever filled a gaping hole!

Yeah, that was gross. Sorry.

Subscribe on iTunes! 

Non iTunes!

That Fish Cray

The world is going Olympics crazy.

There was a point in my life when I too, enjoyed sprawling out in front of the television and engrossing myself in such sports as ‘European Handball’, ‘Badminton’, and ‘etc.’, but those days have passed. Now I’m much more involved with intellectual things like reading Chomsky, Freud and my Twitter feed.
However, yesterday morning I did get roped into watching some swimming. The men’s 4×100 relay final was on and collectively Australia was devastated when we didn’t even place in the medals. Everyone on social media went nuts and blamed it on poor old James ‘The Missile’ Magnussen who swam his leg a second slower than the semi finals. That’s right, a second slower! What a jerk. He should be banned from our great country or at least forced to swim his way back from London. At least that way he’ll understand how much of dickhead he is and he’ll have some time to reflect on what he’s done.
I have this theory that Australia as a whole is getting worse at sports. Seriously. Think about it – we lost the last Ashes series in the cricket, Adam Scott’s horrific choke in the British Open, the fact that I can’t name a tennis player, Cadel Evens not defending the Tour de France, Stephen Milne’s existence.

Anyway, the point I’m trying to make is now that we suck at sport, we need to find other things to be known and famous for. We no longer have Bradmans, Freemans, and Normans to thrust us onto the world as a nation of sporting superstars. It’s time for us to find a new niche – one that has nothing to do with sports!

Here are my suggestions:

1. Racism.

Now I know what you’re thinking, “Racism? I’m pretty sure South Africa or Germany have that covered” but you’re wrong. Australia is well on the way to holding this very prestigious honour. Look how cranky we get when a couple of hundred asylum seekers arrive by boat? Not to mention the Northern Territory invention and the push by both major parties for offshore refugee processing. All we need now is a prominent political group to dress in white bed sheets and start threating to burn minorities to death, and Australia will again be famous around the world!

2. Economic shambles

Didn’t you find it boring when the GFC (The Global Financial Crisis, not the Geelong Football Club) was happening? I know I did. Every other developed country went into recession yet our economy kept growing! What a joke. Kevin Rudd handing out bags of cash and those brave souls digging holes in Western Australia ruined the excitement for all of us. If it wasn’t for them we could be the next Greece! When people think of the word ‘poor’ they think of Greece! It’s brilliant. It’s a sure fire way to get our name out there. Sure we’ll have to close down all the mines and stop low-level entrepreneurialism, but we could do it! We’d never be forgotten on the international level again!

3. Porn

Want to know why everyone knows things about California? Forget Hollywood, it’s all about the Porn industry. The rise of the Internet has seen the entire world have access to naked people having sex. In fact, around 45% of the Internet is used for porn. That’s insane!
Anyway, we could turn Australia into the pornography capital of the world. Think about that? Those folk on the Gold Coast are pretty loose with their morals and vaginas, I’m sure they’d be up for it! I’m actually serious about this one; it could be big.

So there you have it. I only have three suggestions, but hey. This is tricky stuff. You try thinking up things besides sport that can make us famous! Oh what’s that? Be a progressive, humanitarian based nation that values all its citizens on an equal level?

Nah! That will never take off!

Plot Filled Porn

I haven’t updated this blog for ages and I apologise. I’ve got a lot happening in my life and I can’t be relied upon to deliver blog posts on a regular basis. Although, to be fair, no one is actually hanging out for this. In fact, I would be very surprised if anyone’s reading this at all. If you are reading this, what the eff? I think you need to take a long hard look at yourself. Seriously, you have horrible time management. You could be using this time to read something useful, like the latest news headlines, this blog or even ’50 Shades Of Grey’!

Maybe not ’50 Shades of Grey’. That shit’s weird. Well not weird. There’s nothing wrong with a bit of erotic fiction but geez, in my day if you wanted a bit of private sexy time you just watched some porn. And by ‘my day’ I’m referring to ‘right now’. I’ll take visual sex over sex in literature any day. I think erotic fiction is great, it’s just the camera was invented for a reason – to capture people having sex. Just like how the Internet was invented to distribute the naked people having sex; it all works together.

I always wonder if porn stars regret the industry they got into. Not because some people think it’s degrading and a waste of time, but because porn stars are this weird kind of famous. Almost like a ‘fake’ kind of famous. Everyone knows who they are, but they just don’t get the coverage that normal famous people do.

Seriously, think about it. For me it goes Johnny Depp, Ryan Gosling, and Porn Stars – in that order… that’s how famous they are. Yet these poor hardworking actors don’t even come close to garnering the recognition normal celebs get – not to mention the money! No one ever talks about them unless it’s creepy dudes at Comic-Con. When was the last time you saw Tori Black on the front cover of Women’s Weekly?

Never!

I should also point out that the only reason I know who ‘Tori Black’ is because of the HBO series Girls. One of the main characters looks like her, which they mention on the show. I googled her and checked out her Wikipedia page and she’s actually really pretty. Well she’s definitely pretty in comparison to other porn stars. If I’m honest I would prefer if all porn stars were pretty and sweet looking, mainly because my preference of porn is porn with a story line – almost like those old-school 1980s full length erotic porn movies. They were great! There was just as much plot as there was sex and the girls didn’t look scary like the do in modern porn! I don’t know if I’m any less of a man because I like plot-filled-porn (‘Plot-filled-porn’! that’s a band name if ever I’ve heard one), it’s just I like the real life aspect to it. Actually, my dream porn video wouldn’t even be a regular porn video, it would just be a normal movie, but with a 25 minute sex scene. Seriously, think about how awesome that would be! It would make all romantic comedies incredible. Think how good Friends With Benefits would have been if Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake actual had demonstrated for half an hour what ‘friends with benefits’ would actually do!

‘Girls’. From the HBO shoes. Not porn stars.

It would be amazing viewing and it would increase ticket sale dramatically. Who wouldn’t want to see two super hot celebrities sex it up?

Thank me later film industry.

Speaking of the film industry, I saw The Dark Knight Rises yesterday and it was incredible. Seriously amazing. Even Anne Hathaway who I have serious dislike for (she ruined The Princess Diaries) was decent. Do yourself a favour and go and see it then rejoice in the brilliance of Christopher Nolan.

Also I didn’t get the Channel [V] job. 😦 Pity me.

*Yep, that does mean I think Justin Timberlake is hot. I love that guy. 

Realist Motherf**ker in the Game like Tron.

So the other night I was hanging out in a rather rainy and gloomy Melbourne CBD and I found myself really needing to wee.

Like, I was busting.

I was running down Swanston street in a mad hurry trying to find somewhere to relieve myself until I finally found a restaurant that looked dodgy and busy enough for me to slide in, go to the bathroom, then slide back out before any of the staff would force me to order some chicken in exchange for toilet privileges.
I went straight to the toilet which was a single cubicle that had the ‘vacant’ sign on the lock. Being the sane person I am, I opened the door – because that’s what anyone would do. When I opened it though, it was not the vacant cubicle the lock had me believe it was. Instead, there were three guys all standing around the toilet bowl urinating in it.

Yeah.

Apparently they weren’t too chuffed on people watching (which is surprising considering how they were all peeing facing each other) because one of them turned to me and yelled, “Oi c**t, get the f**k out, dickhead”.

Now, I was confused by this. Mainly because I didn’t think opening a door that has the vacant sign on the lock warranted me being a called a ‘c**t’ and a ‘dickhead’, but also because who decides on having a public toilet-peeing party, then leaves the door open?

I might be wrong, but I’m pretty sure they were planning on having sex after weeing on each other, and you do not want people walking in on three-way toilet sex.

Anyway, you should watch this clip. Aubrey Plaza from Parks And Recreation is in it and she’s aaaaalllllll messed up.

I kind of like it.

I check cheddar like a food inspector.

Check me out. I’m on the telly.

I’ve been on the telly once before. When I was in primary school I was kind of a big deal in local music circles. My primary school class formed a band called ‘Sam & The Bush Brigade’.

I was the ‘Sam’. Similar in the way Ryan Adams is the ‘Ryan’ out of ‘Ryan Adams and the Cardinals’.

I was calling the shots.
I always wonder if people who have bands named after them would pull rank on the other members. Like if John Butler Trio were in the recording studio and Nicky Bomba was like,
“Hey John, check out this the new drum beat I’m working on. It would work well with that acoustic track you’ve been playing around with, what do you reckon?”.
Then John would reply with,
“Hey Nicky, what’s the name of this band?”
“Oh C’mon John, it was only an idea”
“What’s the name of the band NICKY!?”
“Umm…it’s…”
“Say it!”
“John Butler Trio…”
“That’s right. So why don’t you walkback to your drum kit and sit down and shut up until you’re asked to do something”
“Okay, sorry John”
“What did I say about talking!?”.

Man, John Butler is a proper jerk.*

Anyhow, what I’m saying is that I’m used to the fame and I know how to handle it. When ‘Sam & The Bush Brigade’ (SATBB) were at their peak, we were all over the local telly. Mainly off the back of performing our smash hit ‘Bindi’ at hospitals, nursing homes and the local Kmart.
‘Bindi’ was the heartbreaking tale of a small boy not being able to utilise his backyard in the way he wanted to, because guess what? – it was full of Bindis! – a problem everyone is all too aware of.

Unfortunately, these were the days before YouTube, meaning the song never had the chance to go viral – you can’t even find it on Spotify.
Sometimes I think of getting the band back together, but you know how it is. People have changed directions and moved on; they have different lives.
I like to think the fans would still would still be there if we got back together and the nursing homes of the NSW South Coast would gladly have us back.

I guess we all have a dream.

*John Butler is in no way a jerk.

Help me become a Vajazzle Jockey.

Video

So you know how in my last post I was all like, “Blahh, I didn’t get through Channel [V]’s Presenter Search because I kept going on about how Seal is so charismatic and brilliant?” Well, it turns out Channel [V] ALSO think Seal’s charismatic and brilliant and put me through to the top 20.

I know. They obviously don’t know what they’re getting themselves into. But still, here’s the thing. If you vote for me you could win $5000 and I could fluke my way into the top 4.

That’s right. It’s like the greatest reality show ever. Firstly you don’t actually have to watch me annoy you on your screens, and secondly you could win cash. Cold hard cash!

Actually it’s probably not cold. Most likely a bank transfer if anything. I don’t know the exact details, but I don’t think they’d send you an envelope with 5 grand cash in it; we’ve all heard the rumours about Australia Post. Well, everyone except my  Dad. He still believes the postal service is the most effective and safest way to transfer money.

He doesn’t trust the internet. Thinks it will ‘swallow’ his cash.

What a guy.

Anyway, here’s the link so you can vote for me – http://presentersearch.vmusic.com.au/vote.aspx?id=sam-taunton

And here’s a bunch of individuals that we all regret voting for.

Go Ricki.

So a few weeks ago I applied for the Channel [V] Presenter Search and guess what?!

I didn’t get the job!

Well, I’m pretty sure I didn’t get the job. I did make it through to the second stage of auditions, whatever that means. I like to believe it means I tricked them into thinking I was interesting enough to be the new presenter on the basis of my video, only to let them down when they met me in person. It’s the same reason as to why I never like to meet people I’m friends with on social media in person. I’m never going to be as interesting in person as I am online. My profiles are as exciting and cool as I will ever be. I can’t live up to it. I don’t have a cool cover picture adaption of Kerouac’s ‘On The Road’, or a cool obscure tweet (that I’ve researched heavily) about why Bill Hicks was more of a social commentator than a comedian to save me.

Anyway, I got to meet Ricki Lee.

That’s right! TELEVISION’S RICKI LEE!

Or even THE MUSIC INDUSTRY’S, RICKI LEE.

Remember when she co-hosted NOVA969’s breakfast show? Of course you don’t.

It’s exciting though. To think I got to meet someone who’s had a conversation with Seal, as in the guy who sung ‘Kiss From A Rose’, is amazing. Talk about degrees of separation.

What a celebrity.

Anyway, I had to interview Ricki Lee and I think me bringing up Seal was an issue that may have cost me a proper crack at the top job. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but spending a minute and a half out of a two minute interview talking about ‘The Voice’, and what Seal ‘was actually like in person’, probably didn’t do me any favours considering the interview was supposed to be all about Ricki Lee, and not about a television program on a channel that ISN’T Channel [V].

But look, it was all I had and I had to go with. My original idea was to pretend she was ‘Ricki Lake’ and ask her what an American talk-show host was doing on a Australia music channel, then keeping the act up till Ricki got angry and walked out of the interview.

Actually, that would have been BRILLIANT. Imagine if I had done that? It would have been all ‘Between Two Ferns’ style. I could have been the next Zach Galifianakis! The people would have loved me!

Have you seen the ‘Between Two Ferns’ episode with Natalie Portman? It’s almost as good as comedy could be.

Excluding my brilliant Ricki Lee interview sketch, of course.

Anyway, good luck to whoever wins the presenter search. I feel like you probably deserve it more than I do. I’ll be fine. I’m going to start a hilarious YouTube celebrity Vlog and be the next Paris Hilton.

Wait, I mean Perez Hilton. I always get those two confused. Which one got f**ked on camera again? What? Kim Kardashian?  Geez, maybe I should make a sex tape.

Don’t steal my Ricki Lee sketch. 

Lots of Love.

I don’t know if this happens to anyone else, but it seems to happen to me all the time.

I’ll be walking home late at night and there’ll be a girl walking alone towards me on the footpath. She’ll suddenly see me walking towards her, stop, cross to the other side of the road, keep walking on that side, then cross back over to my side once we’ve passed each other.

What?

Girls must think I’m some kind of testosterone filled, sociopathic monster.

Which, to be honest, I don’t really hate. Mainly because it’s the only time in my life I get to feel like a dangerous, masculine beast that people don’t want to mess with. Well, except for Internet forums, that’s when I’m the dominant male.

Anyway, so the other night I was walking home late at night and I looked up ahead and saw a girl walking towards me on the footpath. I saw this and got a bit cocky and was like, “Someone’s in a bit of ‘danger’. Looks like ‘someone’ might want to alter their walk home”.*

But then, she stopped, looked up at me, waited for about five seconds, then put her head down and continued walking straight past me!

F**k her.

How insulting is that? She’s looked at me and decided that I was of absolutely no threat to her.

I was so angry I could have raped her just to prove that she misjudged me.

Bit extreme, but hey. I’m pretty sure it would stand up in court.

I’m only joking, it wouldn’t stand up in court.

And I wouldn’t rape anyone.

Actually I would. I would rape Hitler. Imagine if Hitler had been raped? The Holocaust wouldn’t have happened. He would have been too busy having a cold shower and regretting every decision he’s ever made.

That’s a Louie CK joke. I thought I’d use it because I’m unoriginal and lack creativity. Also, I might be barren.

Sigh…

That’s one for the LOLs.

*I should point out I’m a jerk.