Six Seasons and a Movie!
Did you know there’s an iPhone app that turns your phone into a vibrator?
As soon as I heard about it I downloaded it straight away only to realise that whilst it’s an extremely sexual device, my vagina resembles more of a penis and putting a vibrator on the end of it is like trying to make a phone call using a sea shell.
Nothing happens.
Well it didn’t for me. Maybe if someone was more creative they might be able to get something going. When it comes to masturbation, the right side of my brain takes over and my creativity is limited to clichés and boxes me in.
Sigh.
This is a gross start to a blog, huh? Maybe I should change subjects.
Did you see Community is coming back? That makes me so flipping excited. It also makes my brain hurt when I think about how incredible/smart/ funny a show like that can be and still not have high enough ratings for the network to automatically renew it. If it didn’t come back from mid-season hiatus it would be one of the biggest television crimes of all times. Although when you think about it, television crimes are probably the lowest scale of all criminal activity, so there’s not too much to worry about.
Who's the Boss?
Also rumored is that Gus Fring from Breaking Bad is going to make an appearance. I pray with all my religious might (none) that they turn his cameo into a BB/ Community crossover and Gus is just hanging out at Greendale because he’s looking to open a new Los Pollos Hermanos restaurant.
That would be brilliant. He could slip Abed and Troy some Crystal Meth and it could create a hilarious episode. I hope you’re reading this, Dan Harmon.
Goodbye My Cooney Island Baby.
An amazing thing happened to me two days ago.
I was tempted to write ‘greatest thing’, but then I thought about it and there’s way better things that could happen to me. For example: playing cricket for Australia, having a Gibson 335, or being cast as Tony Soprano are all things I would consider to be the ‘greatest thing’ to happen to me. The thing that happened to me would more appropriately be classed as a golden moment from a cheesy sitcom or kids movie. I say ‘kids’ movie, but an ‘Adam Sandler’ film would work as well.
The plot lines are very similar.
Ouch.
Oh I went there.
**Sassy female Latina finger swirl**
How come only Latina women who can do that swirl? I’ve seen a girl of Scottish heritage try and do it and it was horrible. It looked like she was trying to dial a number on one of those old-school wind-up telephones whilst having and epileptic fit.
That’s not racist is it? Like, it’s not a Scottish thing is it? Scottish people aren’t all epileptic, are they? Imagine if that was your country’s personal trait?
“The Irish like to drink, the English like to steal land and those darn Scots – they have epilepsy!”
Scottish nightclubs would be the worst.
Anyway, back to the incredible thing that happened to me.
I was sitting down going over all my uni subjects this session, figuring out assessments and dues dates, timetables and exams, when I realised that one of my subjects expected me to buy a textbook for $100.
$100!
Where was I going to find that kind of cash?
No quicker than that thought hitting me, I felt a vibration in my pocket. It was my phone ringing. I answered the call and it was my friend telling me she had $200 for me!
That’s right! $200!
How incredible is that?
Nothing that good has happened to me for ages. It’s like the stars have aligned to help me out. Either that or God has finally heard me praying and is doing me a solid. Maybe he sees something in me and wants me on his team in heaven.
God’s XI.
I told my mate about it and he said it’s just the power of positive thinking. I think that’s complete bullshit. I think positively about everything and very rarely anything good happens. Every time I have to drive somewhere I always think, “Okay car, don’t use any fuel. I need to save money”, and guess what? My car always uses fuel.
Anyway, like Josh Homme says, “I can go with the flow”, which is what I’m going to do. I’ll ride this magical train of karma and goodwill until I get a phone call saying I owe someone $200.
Gosling or Grossling?
In attempt to move past my ‘Gosiling phase’, I’ve complied the five worst/creepiest photos the Internerd has to offer of the Gos-man.
1. Ryan Gosling as a Redneck.
2. Ryan Gosling wearing a mask in Drive.
3. Ryan Gosling pre Crazy, Stupid, Love.
4. Hairy and fat Ryan Gosling.
5. This isn’t a bad photo. I just really want this jacket he wears in Drive.
Karma Police, I want my $130 back.
I’m super broke and I blame Radiohead.
I’ve been waiting for them to come to Australia since I was a depressed 16 year listening to Thom Yorke’s whining vocals and thinking, “How does he know my pain?!! HOW DOES HE KNOW WHAT I’M THINKING?? Why doesn’t Jonny ever sing backup vocals? Phil would be the gay one, right? I wonder if Colin regrets lending Jonny his guitar and getting the stuck with the bass? Poor Ed”
And I made a promise with myself that I would see these lads in the flesh so I could fully understand the enormity of their musical prowess and congratulate them on the way they’ve been at the forefront of the change in content consumption in the entertainment industry.
Or, as I thought as a 16 year-old; drink a stack of beers and copy Thom’s dance moves when they play Idioteque.
I would much rather give my hard earned $130 to a homeless man. Like this gentleman.
Anyway, on Monday morning it finally happened. Radiohead announced they were coming.
Can you believe it? Finally. After 8 years, two records, and countless Saturday nights spent drinking alone and crying whilst Jonny shreds the guitar solo in There There, they’ve decided to grace our shores once more and play the popular music.
What’s more, the stars aligned and somehow, less than an hour after I heard the announcement I was the proud holder of sweet smelling tickets to an actual, real life Radiohead concert!
And when I say ‘sweet, smelling tickets’ I mean a saved PDF version of my receipt.
But still, it represented so much more than that! Actually I’m not really sure what it represented because I was confused after the purchase. I’d happily pay $130 (hence me being broke) any day of the week to see Thom and fellas play live, but Radiohead have always been ‘about the art’ and many songs and records feature an anti-capitalist message, so it surprised me when I clicked ‘purchase’ that the amount of money disappearing from my bank account was so large. Where’s the whole ‘pay as much as you like’ system here? Huh? I guess it’s a whole different ball game when you realise your touring days are limited and you need to top up your Super.
Anyway, the ticket purchase was all done in pounds, so I have no idea how much money came out of my account. Pounds doesn’t even seem like a real form of currency to me.
Maybe I bought fake tickets?
If I did, my girlfriend now has a fake ticket too. I imagine she only puts up with me so I buy her tickets to stuff so that could be the final straw.
We have till November 13th to find out!
samtaunton 