Help me become a Vajazzle Jockey.
So you know how in my last post I was all like, “Blahh, I didn’t get through Channel [V]’s Presenter Search because I kept going on about how Seal is so charismatic and brilliant?” Well, it turns out Channel [V] ALSO think Seal’s charismatic and brilliant and put me through to the top 20.
I know. They obviously don’t know what they’re getting themselves into. But still, here’s the thing. If you vote for me you could win $5000 and I could fluke my way into the top 4.
That’s right. It’s like the greatest reality show ever. Firstly you don’t actually have to watch me annoy you on your screens, and secondly you could win cash. Cold hard cash!
Actually it’s probably not cold. Most likely a bank transfer if anything. I don’t know the exact details, but I don’t think they’d send you an envelope with 5 grand cash in it; we’ve all heard the rumours about Australia Post. Well, everyone except my Dad. He still believes the postal service is the most effective and safest way to transfer money.
He doesn’t trust the internet. Thinks it will ‘swallow’ his cash.
What a guy.
Anyway, here’s the link so you can vote for me – http://presentersearch.vmusic.com.au/vote.aspx?id=sam-taunton
And here’s a bunch of individuals that we all regret voting for.
Go Ricki.
So a few weeks ago I applied for the Channel [V] Presenter Search and guess what?!
I didn’t get the job!
Well, I’m pretty sure I didn’t get the job. I did make it through to the second stage of auditions, whatever that means. I like to believe it means I tricked them into thinking I was interesting enough to be the new presenter on the basis of my video, only to let them down when they met me in person. It’s the same reason as to why I never like to meet people I’m friends with on social media in person. I’m never going to be as interesting in person as I am online. My profiles are as exciting and cool as I will ever be. I can’t live up to it. I don’t have a cool cover picture adaption of Kerouac’s ‘On The Road’, or a cool obscure tweet (that I’ve researched heavily) about why Bill Hicks was more of a social commentator than a comedian to save me.
Anyway, I got to meet Ricki Lee.
That’s right! TELEVISION’S RICKI LEE!
Or even THE MUSIC INDUSTRY’S, RICKI LEE.
Remember when she co-hosted NOVA969’s breakfast show? Of course you don’t.
It’s exciting though. To think I got to meet someone who’s had a conversation with Seal, as in the guy who sung ‘Kiss From A Rose’, is amazing. Talk about degrees of separation.
What a celebrity.
Anyway, I had to interview Ricki Lee and I think me bringing up Seal was an issue that may have cost me a proper crack at the top job. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but spending a minute and a half out of a two minute interview talking about ‘The Voice’, and what Seal ‘was actually like in person’, probably didn’t do me any favours considering the interview was supposed to be all about Ricki Lee, and not about a television program on a channel that ISN’T Channel [V].
But look, it was all I had and I had to go with. My original idea was to pretend she was ‘Ricki Lake’ and ask her what an American talk-show host was doing on a Australia music channel, then keeping the act up till Ricki got angry and walked out of the interview.
Actually, that would have been BRILLIANT. Imagine if I had done that? It would have been all ‘Between Two Ferns’ style. I could have been the next Zach Galifianakis! The people would have loved me!
Have you seen the ‘Between Two Ferns’ episode with Natalie Portman? It’s almost as good as comedy could be.
Excluding my brilliant Ricki Lee interview sketch, of course.
Anyway, good luck to whoever wins the presenter search. I feel like you probably deserve it more than I do. I’ll be fine. I’m going to start a hilarious YouTube celebrity Vlog and be the next Paris Hilton.
Wait, I mean Perez Hilton. I always get those two confused. Which one got f**ked on camera again? What? Kim Kardashian? Geez, maybe I should make a sex tape.
Don’t steal my Ricki Lee sketch.
Lots of Love.
I don’t know if this happens to anyone else, but it seems to happen to me all the time.
I’ll be walking home late at night and there’ll be a girl walking alone towards me on the footpath. She’ll suddenly see me walking towards her, stop, cross to the other side of the road, keep walking on that side, then cross back over to my side once we’ve passed each other.
What?
Girls must think I’m some kind of testosterone filled, sociopathic monster.
Which, to be honest, I don’t really hate. Mainly because it’s the only time in my life I get to feel like a dangerous, masculine beast that people don’t want to mess with. Well, except for Internet forums, that’s when I’m the dominant male.
Anyway, so the other night I was walking home late at night and I looked up ahead and saw a girl walking towards me on the footpath. I saw this and got a bit cocky and was like, “Someone’s in a bit of ‘danger’. Looks like ‘someone’ might want to alter their walk home”.*
But then, she stopped, looked up at me, waited for about five seconds, then put her head down and continued walking straight past me!
F**k her.
How insulting is that? She’s looked at me and decided that I was of absolutely no threat to her.
I was so angry I could have raped her just to prove that she misjudged me.
Bit extreme, but hey. I’m pretty sure it would stand up in court.
I’m only joking, it wouldn’t stand up in court.
And I wouldn’t rape anyone.
Actually I would. I would rape Hitler. Imagine if Hitler had been raped? The Holocaust wouldn’t have happened. He would have been too busy having a cold shower and regretting every decision he’s ever made.
That’s a Louie CK joke. I thought I’d use it because I’m unoriginal and lack creativity. Also, I might be barren.
Sigh…
That’s one for the LOLs.
*I should point out I’m a jerk.
samtaunton 