Realist Motherf**ker in the Game like Tron.
So the other night I was hanging out in a rather rainy and gloomy Melbourne CBD and I found myself really needing to wee.
Like, I was busting.
I was running down Swanston street in a mad hurry trying to find somewhere to relieve myself until I finally found a restaurant that looked dodgy and busy enough for me to slide in, go to the bathroom, then slide back out before any of the staff would force me to order some chicken in exchange for toilet privileges.
I went straight to the toilet which was a single cubicle that had the ‘vacant’ sign on the lock. Being the sane person I am, I opened the door – because that’s what anyone would do. When I opened it though, it was not the vacant cubicle the lock had me believe it was. Instead, there were three guys all standing around the toilet bowl urinating in it.
Yeah.
Apparently they weren’t too chuffed on people watching (which is surprising considering how they were all peeing facing each other) because one of them turned to me and yelled, “Oi c**t, get the f**k out, dickhead”.
Now, I was confused by this. Mainly because I didn’t think opening a door that has the vacant sign on the lock warranted me being a called a ‘c**t’ and a ‘dickhead’, but also because who decides on having a public toilet-peeing party, then leaves the door open?
I might be wrong, but I’m pretty sure they were planning on having sex after weeing on each other, and you do not want people walking in on three-way toilet sex.
Anyway, you should watch this clip. Aubrey Plaza from Parks And Recreation is in it and she’s aaaaalllllll messed up.
I kind of like it.
I check cheddar like a food inspector.
Check me out. I’m on the telly.
I’ve been on the telly once before. When I was in primary school I was kind of a big deal in local music circles. My primary school class formed a band called ‘Sam & The Bush Brigade’.
I was the ‘Sam’. Similar in the way Ryan Adams is the ‘Ryan’ out of ‘Ryan Adams and the Cardinals’.
I was calling the shots.
I always wonder if people who have bands named after them would pull rank on the other members. Like if John Butler Trio were in the recording studio and Nicky Bomba was like,
“Hey John, check out this the new drum beat I’m working on. It would work well with that acoustic track you’ve been playing around with, what do you reckon?”.
Then John would reply with,
“Hey Nicky, what’s the name of this band?”
“Oh C’mon John, it was only an idea”
“What’s the name of the band NICKY!?”
“Umm…it’s…”
“Say it!”
“John Butler Trio…”
“That’s right. So why don’t you walkback to your drum kit and sit down and shut up until you’re asked to do something”
“Okay, sorry John”
“What did I say about talking!?”.
Man, John Butler is a proper jerk.*
Anyhow, what I’m saying is that I’m used to the fame and I know how to handle it. When ‘Sam & The Bush Brigade’ (SATBB) were at their peak, we were all over the local telly. Mainly off the back of performing our smash hit ‘Bindi’ at hospitals, nursing homes and the local Kmart.
‘Bindi’ was the heartbreaking tale of a small boy not being able to utilise his backyard in the way he wanted to, because guess what? – it was full of Bindis! – a problem everyone is all too aware of.
Unfortunately, these were the days before YouTube, meaning the song never had the chance to go viral – you can’t even find it on Spotify.
Sometimes I think of getting the band back together, but you know how it is. People have changed directions and moved on; they have different lives.
I like to think the fans would still would still be there if we got back together and the nursing homes of the NSW South Coast would gladly have us back.
I guess we all have a dream.
*John Butler is in no way a jerk.
samtaunton 