That Fish Cray
The world is going Olympics crazy.
There was a point in my life when I too, enjoyed sprawling out in front of the television and engrossing myself in such sports as ‘European Handball’, ‘Badminton’, and ‘etc.’, but those days have passed. Now I’m much more involved with intellectual things like reading Chomsky, Freud and my Twitter feed.
However, yesterday morning I did get roped into watching some swimming. The men’s 4×100 relay final was on and collectively Australia was devastated when we didn’t even place in the medals. Everyone on social media went nuts and blamed it on poor old James ‘The Missile’ Magnussen who swam his leg a second slower than the semi finals. That’s right, a second slower! What a jerk. He should be banned from our great country or at least forced to swim his way back from London. At least that way he’ll understand how much of dickhead he is and he’ll have some time to reflect on what he’s done.
I have this theory that Australia as a whole is getting worse at sports. Seriously. Think about it – we lost the last Ashes series in the cricket, Adam Scott’s horrific choke in the British Open, the fact that I can’t name a tennis player, Cadel Evens not defending the Tour de France, Stephen Milne’s existence.
Anyway, the point I’m trying to make is now that we suck at sport, we need to find other things to be known and famous for. We no longer have Bradmans, Freemans, and Normans to thrust us onto the world as a nation of sporting superstars. It’s time for us to find a new niche – one that has nothing to do with sports!
Here are my suggestions:
1. Racism.
Now I know what you’re thinking, “Racism? I’m pretty sure South Africa or Germany have that covered” but you’re wrong. Australia is well on the way to holding this very prestigious honour. Look how cranky we get when a couple of hundred asylum seekers arrive by boat? Not to mention the Northern Territory invention and the push by both major parties for offshore refugee processing. All we need now is a prominent political group to dress in white bed sheets and start threating to burn minorities to death, and Australia will again be famous around the world!
2. Economic shambles
Didn’t you find it boring when the GFC (The Global Financial Crisis, not the Geelong Football Club) was happening? I know I did. Every other developed country went into recession yet our economy kept growing! What a joke. Kevin Rudd handing out bags of cash and those brave souls digging holes in Western Australia ruined the excitement for all of us. If it wasn’t for them we could be the next Greece! When people think of the word ‘poor’ they think of Greece! It’s brilliant. It’s a sure fire way to get our name out there. Sure we’ll have to close down all the mines and stop low-level entrepreneurialism, but we could do it! We’d never be forgotten on the international level again!
3. Porn
Want to know why everyone knows things about California? Forget Hollywood, it’s all about the Porn industry. The rise of the Internet has seen the entire world have access to naked people having sex. In fact, around 45% of the Internet is used for porn. That’s insane!
Anyway, we could turn Australia into the pornography capital of the world. Think about that? Those folk on the Gold Coast are pretty loose with their morals and vaginas, I’m sure they’d be up for it! I’m actually serious about this one; it could be big.
So there you have it. I only have three suggestions, but hey. This is tricky stuff. You try thinking up things besides sport that can make us famous! Oh what’s that? Be a progressive, humanitarian based nation that values all its citizens on an equal level?
Nah! That will never take off!
Plot Filled Porn
I haven’t updated this blog for ages and I apologise. I’ve got a lot happening in my life and I can’t be relied upon to deliver blog posts on a regular basis. Although, to be fair, no one is actually hanging out for this. In fact, I would be very surprised if anyone’s reading this at all. If you are reading this, what the eff? I think you need to take a long hard look at yourself. Seriously, you have horrible time management. You could be using this time to read something useful, like the latest news headlines, this blog or even ’50 Shades Of Grey’!
Maybe not ’50 Shades of Grey’. That shit’s weird. Well not weird. There’s nothing wrong with a bit of erotic fiction but geez, in my day if you wanted a bit of private sexy time you just watched some porn. And by ‘my day’ I’m referring to ‘right now’. I’ll take visual sex over sex in literature any day. I think erotic fiction is great, it’s just the camera was invented for a reason – to capture people having sex. Just like how the Internet was invented to distribute the naked people having sex; it all works together.
I always wonder if porn stars regret the industry they got into. Not because some people think it’s degrading and a waste of time, but because porn stars are this weird kind of famous. Almost like a ‘fake’ kind of famous. Everyone knows who they are, but they just don’t get the coverage that normal famous people do.
Seriously, think about it. For me it goes Johnny Depp, Ryan Gosling, and Porn Stars – in that order… that’s how famous they are. Yet these poor hardworking actors don’t even come close to garnering the recognition normal celebs get – not to mention the money! No one ever talks about them unless it’s creepy dudes at Comic-Con. When was the last time you saw Tori Black on the front cover of Women’s Weekly?
Never!
I should also point out that the only reason I know who ‘Tori Black’ is because of the HBO series Girls. One of the main characters looks like her, which they mention on the show. I googled her and checked out her Wikipedia page and she’s actually really pretty. Well she’s definitely pretty in comparison to other porn stars. If I’m honest I would prefer if all porn stars were pretty and sweet looking, mainly because my preference of porn is porn with a story line – almost like those old-school 1980s full length erotic porn movies. They were great! There was just as much plot as there was sex and the girls didn’t look scary like the do in modern porn! I don’t know if I’m any less of a man because I like plot-filled-porn (‘Plot-filled-porn’! that’s a band name if ever I’ve heard one), it’s just I like the real life aspect to it. Actually, my dream porn video wouldn’t even be a regular porn video, it would just be a normal movie, but with a 25 minute sex scene. Seriously, think about how awesome that would be! It would make all romantic comedies incredible. Think how good Friends With Benefits would have been if Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake actual had demonstrated for half an hour what ‘friends with benefits’ would actually do!
‘Girls’. From the HBO shoes. Not porn stars.
It would be amazing viewing and it would increase ticket sale dramatically. Who wouldn’t want to see two super hot celebrities sex it up?
Thank me later film industry.
Speaking of the film industry, I saw The Dark Knight Rises yesterday and it was incredible. Seriously amazing. Even Anne Hathaway who I have serious dislike for (she ruined The Princess Diaries) was decent. Do yourself a favour and go and see it then rejoice in the brilliance of Christopher Nolan.
Also I didn’t get the Channel [V] job. 😦 Pity me.
*Yep, that does mean I think Justin Timberlake is hot. I love that guy.
samtaunton 