That Fish Cray

The world is going Olympics crazy.

There was a point in my life when I too, enjoyed sprawling out in front of the television and engrossing myself in such sports as ‘European Handball’, ‘Badminton’, and ‘etc.’, but those days have passed. Now I’m much more involved with intellectual things like reading Chomsky, Freud and my Twitter feed.
However, yesterday morning I did get roped into watching some swimming. The men’s 4×100 relay final was on and collectively Australia was devastated when we didn’t even place in the medals. Everyone on social media went nuts and blamed it on poor old James ‘The Missile’ Magnussen who swam his leg a second slower than the semi finals. That’s right, a second slower! What a jerk. He should be banned from our great country or at least forced to swim his way back from London. At least that way he’ll understand how much of dickhead he is and he’ll have some time to reflect on what he’s done.
I have this theory that Australia as a whole is getting worse at sports. Seriously. Think about it – we lost the last Ashes series in the cricket, Adam Scott’s horrific choke in the British Open, the fact that I can’t name a tennis player, Cadel Evens not defending the Tour de France, Stephen Milne’s existence.

Anyway, the point I’m trying to make is now that we suck at sport, we need to find other things to be known and famous for. We no longer have Bradmans, Freemans, and Normans to thrust us onto the world as a nation of sporting superstars. It’s time for us to find a new niche – one that has nothing to do with sports!

Here are my suggestions:

1. Racism.

Now I know what you’re thinking, “Racism? I’m pretty sure South Africa or Germany have that covered” but you’re wrong. Australia is well on the way to holding this very prestigious honour. Look how cranky we get when a couple of hundred asylum seekers arrive by boat? Not to mention the Northern Territory invention and the push by both major parties for offshore refugee processing. All we need now is a prominent political group to dress in white bed sheets and start threating to burn minorities to death, and Australia will again be famous around the world!

2. Economic shambles

Didn’t you find it boring when the GFC (The Global Financial Crisis, not the Geelong Football Club) was happening? I know I did. Every other developed country went into recession yet our economy kept growing! What a joke. Kevin Rudd handing out bags of cash and those brave souls digging holes in Western Australia ruined the excitement for all of us. If it wasn’t for them we could be the next Greece! When people think of the word ‘poor’ they think of Greece! It’s brilliant. It’s a sure fire way to get our name out there. Sure we’ll have to close down all the mines and stop low-level entrepreneurialism, but we could do it! We’d never be forgotten on the international level again!

3. Porn

Want to know why everyone knows things about California? Forget Hollywood, it’s all about the Porn industry. The rise of the Internet has seen the entire world have access to naked people having sex. In fact, around 45% of the Internet is used for porn. That’s insane!
Anyway, we could turn Australia into the pornography capital of the world. Think about that? Those folk on the Gold Coast are pretty loose with their morals and vaginas, I’m sure they’d be up for it! I’m actually serious about this one; it could be big.

So there you have it. I only have three suggestions, but hey. This is tricky stuff. You try thinking up things besides sport that can make us famous! Oh what’s that? Be a progressive, humanitarian based nation that values all its citizens on an equal level?

Nah! That will never take off!