I imagine this will go straight to Syria

I haven’t written a blog for what seems like an age. Not like an age as in a copy of the Melbourne newspaper, ‘The AGE’, but more like an entire ‘age’ of civilisation. Certain species would have died out in the time period between my last posting and this one.

So, let’s begin with some formalities. Guess who got a university degree during the break!? (We’ll call it a ‘break’ because I like to think of it as a schedule break, similar to the one between school sessions.) If you answered ‘Emma Watson’, you’d be wrong. She deferred from Brown to do a session at Oxford with the plans to return to Brown to complete her degree, however, she was supposed to return mid-way through this year but she never did. Apparently she cited ‘movie roles and promotion’ as the reason, but TMZ claim she’s been the victim of bullying and may NEVER GO BACK!!!

Poor Emma, she’s too good looking to be bullied.

Girls can be so cruel.

Anyway, the correct answer is ME! That’s right; I now have a university degree. I mean, it’s only an arts degree, but still, it’s kind of exciting. Actually, it’s probably more a reflection on the state of tertiary education in this country as opposed to any academic qualities I may posses. It’s put me in an interesting position in regards to future employment though. From what I can tell the only thing I’m qualified to do is have a semi politically-aware Twitter account and be able to refer to the ups and downs of a five-day cricket Test match as a ‘narrative’ instead of a “fuckin’ crazy cricket game!”

Have you been watching the cricket? This latest test match is a bit heartbreaking. Not only is Ponting retiring, but effing South Africa are doing to us what they did to the black population throughout the Apartheid years in their homeland. Actually, that’s a bit harsh; they’re just getting us out and hitting us for lots of runs – not really violating our human rights and oppressing our cultural traditions and heritage, but hey, you’re the one who laughed at the joke, sicko!

Most days I wish I was an Australian cricket player. That way I could have a Twitter account with thousands and thousands of followers, a WAG, and KFC ad.

The KFC ads are the best part of the cricket. I love Cricket Australia’s ability to cast people in the KFC ads that don’t get picked in the team for entire summer. Remember the year Doug Bollinger was cast as the lead in all the ads, yet didn’t get to roll the arm over in a single game?! It was chaos!

He wears a hairpiece.

For those playing at home.

So the main the reason for this blog post is to ask you for a job. That’s right, you. I know you’re harbouring dreams of opening your own business and who would be a better offsider than me?!

Actually don’t answer that. As I typed it I thought of at least 15 people who would be better offsiders than me. Barry Cassidy, host of ‘Offsiders’ would be one. As well as Ryan Gosling, Michael Clarke, the cast of ‘Cheers’ (the actual show not the Irish band, music hipster), Johnny Greenwood from Radiohead, plus the guy that played McNulty in the Wire – he seems like a good dude who would have my back, take me out for a drink, steal my wife, crash my car driving drunk, then buy me a beer and we’d both laugh and forget about it.

So to sum up, if you have any positions that would suit me in your new business venture (and let’s face it, what wouldn’t suit a person with an arts degree in Politics and Media studies…yeah, probably best not to answer that either) holla at me!

Even if you know someone who might give me a job, that would be extremely helpful. I’m looking for something where I can talk lots, drink Diet Coke lots, hang out on social media lots and become very rich and famous. Also, I would like to be able to brag about it at my school reunion.

I’m not idiot though, I understand the job market is tough and competitive and you can’t be too picky, which is why I’ll accept any job that ticks 4 out of 5 boxes.

Thanks guys, you are all the best!