I made a silly video for the Channel V presenter search. There’s a huge chance I won’t get it. Mainly because I addressed none of the required criteria in my video.
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I like to Instagram pictures of polaroid pictures.
I’m 22 years old, and I’m not married.
Can you believe that?
I’m not even engaged.
I always thought it was pretty normal at my age to be independent, free and not locked in, but then I checked my Facebook and it turns out EVERYONE WHO I WENT TO SCHOOL WITH IS GETTING MARRIED!
Plus, in the town I grew up in, if a couple get engaged it means that couple is pregnant.
It’s that kind of a place.
And by ‘that kind of place’ I mean cheap standard of living, great area for first homebuyers, and a massive Centrelink.
I guess when you have double the national unemployment rate all those things go hand in hand.
The weird thing about having people that you went to school with as friends on Facebook is that they don’t age in the same way as normal friends do. They’re still the same person you went to school with.
Which makes it weird when you see that someone’s engaged and pregnant. Especially if your last memory of them of seeing them in person is the time in year 10 when they let a guy put a test tube in their vagina at the back of the science block.
It’s hard to think they’ll be quality parent with that kind of track record.
I’d be a terrible parent. I can’t cook and I have no money.
That’s not great parent material.
I’ll tell you who got rough go at being a father – Joseph.
As in Jesus’s father.
Well, he wasn’t really Jesus’s Dad, was he? God was the father, which means Joseph had his grass cut in a major way.
Imagine if your wife came home one day and tried to tell you she was pregnant, yet she hadn’t had sex and was still a virgin.
You probably wouldn’t get on board.
Joseph must have been a man of incredible stupidity if he actually believed that. What’s more, how about Mary’s excuse? Once she realised she was in trouble and Joseph might pick up on the fact that the butcher had been giving her some ‘extra sausage’ (terrible, huh. That might be the worst thing I’ve ever written), she went with the most unbelievable excuse in the history of excuses!
“Ohh babes, I’m pregnant…I don’t really know..err…how…oh, it was God.! He’s given us the gift of a child! Isn’t this great?!?!”
“So you didn’t fuck anyone?”
“Never, like I would! This is a gift from God”
“Are you sure?”
“Of course! I wouldn’t lie to you! Also, if the baby looks nothing like you, it’s because he’ll resemble God!”
Problem solved.
I should point out that I actually know nothing about the birth of Christ. Everything probably happened in a different way. Actually, I think I remember Mary not being able to get pregnant. Maybe Joseph’s boys didn’t swim.
Imagine how emasculating that would be? Being so bad at getting your wife pregnant that God had to step in and do it for you.
I wonder if they tried IVF? Or maybe adoption? They could have gotten a nice African child all Madonna style. Chances are he/or she wouldn’t have ended up nailed to a cross.
Six Seasons and a Movie!
Did you know there’s an iPhone app that turns your phone into a vibrator?
As soon as I heard about it I downloaded it straight away only to realise that whilst it’s an extremely sexual device, my vagina resembles more of a penis and putting a vibrator on the end of it is like trying to make a phone call using a sea shell.
Nothing happens.
Well it didn’t for me. Maybe if someone was more creative they might be able to get something going. When it comes to masturbation, the right side of my brain takes over and my creativity is limited to clichés and boxes me in.
Sigh.
This is a gross start to a blog, huh? Maybe I should change subjects.
Did you see Community is coming back? That makes me so flipping excited. It also makes my brain hurt when I think about how incredible/smart/ funny a show like that can be and still not have high enough ratings for the network to automatically renew it. If it didn’t come back from mid-season hiatus it would be one of the biggest television crimes of all times. Although when you think about it, television crimes are probably the lowest scale of all criminal activity, so there’s not too much to worry about.
Who's the Boss?
Also rumored is that Gus Fring from Breaking Bad is going to make an appearance. I pray with all my religious might (none) that they turn his cameo into a BB/ Community crossover and Gus is just hanging out at Greendale because he’s looking to open a new Los Pollos Hermanos restaurant.
That would be brilliant. He could slip Abed and Troy some Crystal Meth and it could create a hilarious episode. I hope you’re reading this, Dan Harmon.
Goodbye My Cooney Island Baby.
An amazing thing happened to me two days ago.
I was tempted to write ‘greatest thing’, but then I thought about it and there’s way better things that could happen to me. For example: playing cricket for Australia, having a Gibson 335, or being cast as Tony Soprano are all things I would consider to be the ‘greatest thing’ to happen to me. The thing that happened to me would more appropriately be classed as a golden moment from a cheesy sitcom or kids movie. I say ‘kids’ movie, but an ‘Adam Sandler’ film would work as well.
The plot lines are very similar.
Ouch.
Oh I went there.
**Sassy female Latina finger swirl**
How come only Latina women who can do that swirl? I’ve seen a girl of Scottish heritage try and do it and it was horrible. It looked like she was trying to dial a number on one of those old-school wind-up telephones whilst having and epileptic fit.
That’s not racist is it? Like, it’s not a Scottish thing is it? Scottish people aren’t all epileptic, are they? Imagine if that was your country’s personal trait?
“The Irish like to drink, the English like to steal land and those darn Scots – they have epilepsy!”
Scottish nightclubs would be the worst.
Anyway, back to the incredible thing that happened to me.
I was sitting down going over all my uni subjects this session, figuring out assessments and dues dates, timetables and exams, when I realised that one of my subjects expected me to buy a textbook for $100.
$100!
Where was I going to find that kind of cash?
No quicker than that thought hitting me, I felt a vibration in my pocket. It was my phone ringing. I answered the call and it was my friend telling me she had $200 for me!
That’s right! $200!
How incredible is that?
Nothing that good has happened to me for ages. It’s like the stars have aligned to help me out. Either that or God has finally heard me praying and is doing me a solid. Maybe he sees something in me and wants me on his team in heaven.
God’s XI.
I told my mate about it and he said it’s just the power of positive thinking. I think that’s complete bullshit. I think positively about everything and very rarely anything good happens. Every time I have to drive somewhere I always think, “Okay car, don’t use any fuel. I need to save money”, and guess what? My car always uses fuel.
Anyway, like Josh Homme says, “I can go with the flow”, which is what I’m going to do. I’ll ride this magical train of karma and goodwill until I get a phone call saying I owe someone $200.
Gosling or Grossling?
In attempt to move past my ‘Gosiling phase’, I’ve complied the five worst/creepiest photos the Internerd has to offer of the Gos-man.
1. Ryan Gosling as a Redneck.
2. Ryan Gosling wearing a mask in Drive.
3. Ryan Gosling pre Crazy, Stupid, Love.
4. Hairy and fat Ryan Gosling.
5. This isn’t a bad photo. I just really want this jacket he wears in Drive.
Karma Police, I want my $130 back.
I’m super broke and I blame Radiohead.
I’ve been waiting for them to come to Australia since I was a depressed 16 year listening to Thom Yorke’s whining vocals and thinking, “How does he know my pain?!! HOW DOES HE KNOW WHAT I’M THINKING?? Why doesn’t Jonny ever sing backup vocals? Phil would be the gay one, right? I wonder if Colin regrets lending Jonny his guitar and getting the stuck with the bass? Poor Ed”
And I made a promise with myself that I would see these lads in the flesh so I could fully understand the enormity of their musical prowess and congratulate them on the way they’ve been at the forefront of the change in content consumption in the entertainment industry.
Or, as I thought as a 16 year-old; drink a stack of beers and copy Thom’s dance moves when they play Idioteque.
I would much rather give my hard earned $130 to a homeless man. Like this gentleman.
Anyway, on Monday morning it finally happened. Radiohead announced they were coming.
Can you believe it? Finally. After 8 years, two records, and countless Saturday nights spent drinking alone and crying whilst Jonny shreds the guitar solo in There There, they’ve decided to grace our shores once more and play the popular music.
What’s more, the stars aligned and somehow, less than an hour after I heard the announcement I was the proud holder of sweet smelling tickets to an actual, real life Radiohead concert!
And when I say ‘sweet, smelling tickets’ I mean a saved PDF version of my receipt.
But still, it represented so much more than that! Actually I’m not really sure what it represented because I was confused after the purchase. I’d happily pay $130 (hence me being broke) any day of the week to see Thom and fellas play live, but Radiohead have always been ‘about the art’ and many songs and records feature an anti-capitalist message, so it surprised me when I clicked ‘purchase’ that the amount of money disappearing from my bank account was so large. Where’s the whole ‘pay as much as you like’ system here? Huh? I guess it’s a whole different ball game when you realise your touring days are limited and you need to top up your Super.
Anyway, the ticket purchase was all done in pounds, so I have no idea how much money came out of my account. Pounds doesn’t even seem like a real form of currency to me.
Maybe I bought fake tickets?
If I did, my girlfriend now has a fake ticket too. I imagine she only puts up with me so I buy her tickets to stuff so that could be the final straw.
We have till November 13th to find out!
I wanna buy you something, but I don’t have any money.
There’s something about being dead broke that carries a sense of romance to it. Maybe it’s all the books and movies I’ve attached myself to that feature young, idealistic characters on the grind, trying to make a go of life by living day to day and not being weighed down by the stress, pressure, and responsibility that is associated with having money.
Maybe it’s due to a bunch of the figures and icons that I look up to, all having periods in their lives when they were broke, chasing their dreams and having a great time doing it that made me think it would be this incredible time when I would find a magical new form of creativity that wouldn’t be limited to my financial situation.
Well, after experiencing having no cash I can tell you it fucking sucks.
It’s also in no way romantic. It may have once been romantic to be chasing a goal and living on the grind, hussling around, making memories with the little you had. But fast forward to the current-day equivalent – being broke and on the grind equals you trying to find place that you can steal Wi-Fi off, long enough to send some emails, update your Twitter account, and to download the new iPhone update.
Suck central.
It does not.
Basically what I’m trying to say is if you could lend me some money, it would be fantastic. Over the past 20 years I’ve taken to eating, and to be honest, I quite enjoy it. In fact, it’s probably one of the most important parts of my life.
Please donate.
BSB: 06 5432
AC: 1054 9826
Thanks, I look forward to eating again.
TEXAS FOREVER
I have around 20 hours to learn everything about the NFL so I can pretend to people that I know heaps about the Superbowl.
So far all I have is, “something something…half time show…Giants…Tom Brady…”
That won’t do, will it?
Which team is Matt Saracen the Quarter Back for?
I think it’s the Giants. He does play football, doesn’t he?
Who am I kidding, I’m only going to watch for the halftime show anyway.
Friday Night Lights
I would like this shirt very much. Please buy it for me.
Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose.
10 blogs
I’m currently an unpaid intern at a magazine, and they asked me nicely (I’m not getting paid, so it had to be nicely) to put together a list of blogs that their readers would enjoy.
1. Ape to Gentlemen – http://www.apetogentleman.com/about/
An English Grooming, Fashion & Lifestyle blog dedicated to assisting the well groomed modern-day gent. Contributions come from all corners of the Internet; starting with experts and the brands themselves, to their own expert take on various sartorial trends, grooming issues, news and products (both new and old) on the market.
2. Aziz Ansari – http://www.azizisbored.tumblr.com/
Charming comedian and hipster slacker in NBC comedy Parks and Recreation; Aziz Ansari is currently on top of the comedy world. His Tumblr page offers his hilarious take on pop-culture, music, topical events and anything else he’s dabbling in.
3. Gas 2.0 – http://gas2.org/
Is your environmental conscience getting in the way of your love for cars? Gas 2.0 caters to those interested in biofuel, electric cars and green technology. Posts range from reviews and reports on the emergence of clean sustainable motor sports championships, to photos of a 600-horsepower, natural gas-powered hotrod.
4. Aussie Beer Blog – http://aussiebeerblog.blogspot.com/
This Blogspot will make you a regular at any pub. Revolving around all beers (Australian and international) available in the country, posts range from reviews, industry news, and beer porn. If you’re serious about your beer, this is the blog for you.
5. The Noise Network – http://www.noise11.com/
The Noise Network generates music news and interview content faster than anyone else on the Internet. If something’s happening in the music industry, you’ll find it here first. They might clog up your Twitter and Facebook feed, but you’ll never be out of the loop.
6. A Daily Dose of Architecture – http://archidose.blogspot.com
From the author of Guide to Contemporary New York Architecture, comes a daily Blogspot that offers reviews/design/imagery/and architecture porn, all based out of New York City. A must read for design nerds.
7. View From The Sidelines – http://www.viewfromthesidelines.com/
A Tumblr page offering the ‘back-story’ on sport and the larger-than-life characters that exist within its realms. Stories range from Mike Tyson’s rooftop sanctuary and his love for Pigeons, to the link between Albert Einstein and the number on Dennis Rodman’s Detroit Pistons’ jersey.
8. The Next Web ‘TNW’ – http://thenextweb.com
The Next Web is at the forefront of the changing dynamic of cultural consumption. With over 5 million monthly viewers ‘TNW’ reports on social media, technology trends, news, and anything else that’s emerging on the Internet. Daily stories include the link between Facebook and the amount of people that voted in the last American Presidential election.
9. AutoExtremist – http://www.autoextremist.com/
Run by Peter M. De Lorenzo – the author of Witch Hunt and The United States of Toyota, ‘AutoExtremist’ delivers up-to-date posts, reviews, and discussion about all aspects of the auto industry. Luckily for the readers, the content definitely outweighs the awful Courier New font used throughout the page.
10. The Vine ‘Best of the Interwebs’ – http://thevine.com.au/blog/
The Internet is full of some incredible things. Luckily, they’re all located nicely in this blog. All the ‘viral’ pictures, stories, and videos doing the rounds and earning their creators 15 minutes of fame can be found here. If you ever find yourself with too much time on your hands, look no further.
samtaunton 